I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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