I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
