But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She even gives head with a lisp.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
