I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
