im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
