I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
