you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
