ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
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my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
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Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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