What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
