mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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