Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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