Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i will never coherently bang her
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
