I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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