Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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