So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
