Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
sarcasm needs its own font
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
