At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
