Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
