You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
