just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
