Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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