I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
