Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
