Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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