Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
