i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
