I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
