I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
ttyl tear gas
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
