I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
