Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My ATM looks so different sober.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
