Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
