He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize