she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
