It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
