Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
