I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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