she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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