Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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