why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
