i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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