I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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