He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
not ubering you a puppy
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
