My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
