you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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