No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
