96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
