She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
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will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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