i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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