Only a mothe r could love this liver
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
