I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
