I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
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