From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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