Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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