So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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