people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
