I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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