So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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