Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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