I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
