I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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